Angel

  Many people don’t understand the depth of virtual friendships. Virtual friendships are real friendships. Just because they come about from connecting with someone online doesn’t make them less of a friendship. 

  Those of us with rare chronic illness, our virtual friendships are formed from the chronic illness world itself. You connect with those who already understand what you are going through. These friendships are special. The chance of coming across someone in person that has the same rare condition, is rare like the condition itself. Because of that, these virtual friendships are that much more meaningful and impactful. They touch your heart and life.

  Angel. When I think about her I was always think of three things. Butterflies, makeup and how much I thought her name fit her.

 We met through a support group for Trigeminal Neuralgia. The funny thing is she messaged my identical twin asking for advice and looking for someone who would understand. She had accidently messaged the wrong twin. My twin explained she wasn’t the one with TN and sent her my way.

  And so it began.

  Our friendship.

  Angel was kind.

  She was also funny, blunt and would crack me up the more I got to know her.

  She had a personality that was beautiful and her smile was contagious.

  She came along in a time when I was struggling deeply with my health and was falling into a deep depression.

  My pain levels were through the roofs and Covid was taking over the world. Life was already heading fast to virtual living. And that wasn’t much different than how we were already living due to Trigeminal Neuralgia. We were the same age. Which was nice. We both had anxiety. And PTSD. And we shared some of our personal stories and supported each other.

  We were friends outside of TN. And at the time, I had been without friend for a long time. We talked about everything.

  She was a person of faith and her faith was important to her. I was recovering from what my “faith” had done to me. She wanted to help me heal from that. Our main thing we bonded over was, music. Gosh she loved music. All of it but especially country music. Our favorite song though, was a contemporary Christian song. Tell Your Heart to Beat Again. It had been a song that had pulled me through so many tough days, after leaving the cult that I had survived. It had been a song that reminded her that she could face anything, even Trigeminal Neuralgia. It had been a song that had meant a lot to me before meeting her. Now when I hear it, I think of her.

  Makeup. Angel believed anything could be solved by putting your makeup on. She said concentrating on feeling pretty helped a lot with TN and helped with depression. I was afraid of putting on makeup because of the pain, she believed in not letting TN steal her makeup. I didn’t actually start wearing makeup again until this year. When I first put it on, I thought, Angel would be so proud and happy about that. And she would have said, “Finally girly!”

  Angel was one of the people that believed in me. She would tell me, beg me to consider volunteering to help others with TN, but she was also one to remind me to not let TN be my whole identity. She would remind me that I was a whole person regardless of TN and to celebrate life by living it.

 I remember one day we were planning on how to meet up with each other. She lived in New Mexico and I in Virginia. The plan was to meet each other when she was coming back from a trip to Washington DC. That trip didn’t happen due to Covid. I wish it had.

 She had wanted a pen pal and I had missed having one for a while. And so our few letters began. A letter here and there. Christmas cards. She would text me excitedly wondering when the next letter/card would be getting to her. And I would tell her it was on the way but didn’t know when. She would say it needed to hurry up. I would laugh. She cracked me up.

 She loved butterflies. Now when I see them, I think of her.

 She was a beautiful soul. She was the epitome of her name. Angel.

 Three days before she passed, she texted me.

She had told me she had something to tell me, I had been overwhelmed that week and was burnt out and so that text went unanswered with a plan to answer when I felt up to it. I never got a chance to reply. I will never know what that something was that she wanted to tell me. That is not a good feeling.

  Friendships, sometimes are not forever. Sometimes they are for seasons. But while you are in that season, they replenish your soul, they bring strength to you, remind you of your light and remind you to not ever quit. They can challenge you. To better yourself. Friendships can help you get to know yourself and grow. Angel’s friendship did all of that and more for me.

  May makes a year since she has been gone. And yet sometimes I still forget that she is gone. I thought about texting her the other day then realized that she wouldn't answer me.

  Many times I focus on all the struggles and terrible things I have experienced due to Trigeminal Neuralgia. But TN brought beautiful things with it too. It brought friendships to me. It brought an Angel to me.