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They Told Me I Would Never Be Happy, They Lied.



  I recently attended a workshop that the nonprofit that I volunteered hosted. It was a writing workshop and I had never done one before. So I didn’t know what to expect. I ended up enjoying it immensely.

  There is something about hearing the words of other survivors that have gone through the same or similar things as you have. It’s incredible listening to their words as they read them aloud. It was emotional and empowering.

  In the workshop it was suggested that we write something that came to mind by choosing one of the following prompts. Prompt One was “I remember when and I always imagined” and Prompt Two was “I don’t remember if, but I always imagined”, I went with the first one.

  Now although I write sometimes, hence this blog, I don’t fully consider myself a writer. I have my moments where I have words that I want to share, so I do. I’m a sharer of words. Okay so maybe I am a bit of a writer after all.

  After we were encouraged to write whatever came to mind, we were also asked if we wanted to read aloud our words. I’m a nervous, shy person, so although I often and am able to muster up the courage to be brave and speak a lot of times, this wasn’t one of the times. But I made up mind that I wanted to share my words regardless. And so here it goes.

  “I remember when I first left the cult. There was so much fear, confusion and really just the unknown laid out before me. I grew up in a world where there was nothing to be unknown, where everything was said to have an answer from the IFB (Independent Fundamental Baptists) to suddenly be thrust into a world that had no answers. It was an odd and scary feeling. The world I grew up in was so sure of itself. And hence I felt sure of myself. Like I said, there was answers for every question and those came from our leader, the Man of God, the pastor. Any question could be answered by him because God spoke through him to speak to us. But without him I had no answers to my questions. I always imagined, what it would be like to not have left the cult. What would my life end up looking like? Who would I end up being? And with even all those questions I have, I have an answer for them. I would have been the same as I was within the cult, having all the answers from the IFB God, but having no real answers for life. Because in a world where they said they had all the answers they only had IFB answers. A world that was said to have all the answers really had none. I was always in a world of the unknown I just didn’t know it at the time. 

  When I left the cult I faced the unknown on my own. At least I had the choice to decide what I wanted to make out of that unknown. It was my unknown. The cult couldn’t have it. My unknown equaled my future. And although there was many things I didn’t know, I knew that."

  I still know that. I wished I could find the words to express the incredible feeling of knowing that I found freedom. I couldn’t know then how my life would be now. All the wonderful things I have experienced, the wonderful people that I have met and have become a part of my life. Something that never would have happened if I had stayed within the walls that I was born into. That is incredible to me. It also brings tears, because I lived within a world where I never chose to be - a world that was said to be safe, but only hurt me - a world that stole so much from me, things that I will never ever get back - a world that told me when I left that I would never ever be happy without them on the outside. It brings tears because I now know the real meaning of happiness and it never would have been found within their cult. 

They told me my future would never be happy. They lied.


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